We’ve all heard the discussions — the differences between introverts and extroverts. When it comes to networking, extroverts seem to have it made, don’t they? They’re so fun and energetic and conversation comes so effortless. Networking just comes naturally for them. Introverts aren’t so fortunate; they’re more reserved and much less social. How can they ever hope to compete in the world of networking, where the whole point is to go out and mingle with others? How can introverts be effective at networking?
It seems to me that introverts get a bit wrapped up in this image of who they are and how they are supposed to act in certain situations. I’m an introvert, I’m meant to work alone. I don’t play well with others. I don’t have the necessary skills to work my way up the ladder. The stereotype is that introverts spend all of their time analyzing and can’t find it in themselves to open up. To people who think like this and believe that they’re restricted by innate characteristics, I have one thing to say: Introverts, get over yourselves. This kind of thinking gets you nowhere; it’s counterproductive, and having a defeatist attitude will get you nowhere.
The truth is, I know your pain. I know it all too well. At heart I’ve always been an introvert. When I was younger, I preferred the comfort of being alone over the idea of mingling with others. It’s safe to say that overall, I genuinely disliked being around people. Honestly, I felt that people had nothing to offer me — and, I suppose, that I had nothing to offer them.
I finally realized that these feelings — this way of thinking — was doing me no good. The truth was that I would have to mingle with others at some point. I couldn’t stay wrapped up in my own little world forever. So I made an effort to “break out of my shell”, as people call it. It took a little work and a little effort, but it’s safe to say that I am a more social person now. Communicating with others is no longer a chore; to be honest, I actually enjoy it, both offline and online. I’ve since realized that others do have a lot to offer; and I have a lot to offer them as well.
Of course, I’m still an introvert. I still enjoy my free time. I can’t explain why, but from time to time I need to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Or alone to read. Or alone to play some video games. I need time to do what I want to do.
Looking back, I think part of my reluctance with mingling with others was that, to a certain degree, I was actually scared of people. Part of me was afraid that I may make a fool of myself. And another part of me was afraid that others might feed off this and humiliate me while I’m in a vulnerable state. However, I’ve slowly discovered that most people don’t have a desire to bring others down. Most aren’t out to get you and bring you down.
We blow most of our fears out of proportion. Our social fears are no different. The truth is this — introverts, if you’re worried about networking and wondering how you’re going to make it in that scary and unfamiliar world, you are going to have to make an effort. You are going to have to open up and leave yourself vulnerable. You have to put yourself out there.
Sure, you might open your mouth and embarrass yourself. But if you stick with it, it gets better. The more you open up and communicate with others, the easier it becomes. Like all things, it gets better with practice. So throw yourself out there; that’s what the extroverts are doing. If you want to play in their world, you need to play their game.
Photo credit: tamelyn via Flickr Creative Commons
I call myself a 'social hermit.' I love to get out and mix it up with folks, but my time alone is precious and necessary to me. Part of that comes from living on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and the other part comes from being a creative soul who needs solitary space to work.
The key seems to be in finding the balance. I honor my introvert with plenty of private time and that makes me feel more ready to extend myself to others once I'm out and about. Sometimes it can be an effort to get started, but once I'm in a conversation, I do have a great time.
I am an introvert, and I think it requires a bit more of a diagnosis than to simply tell us to “grow a pair”. That indicates that the pathology and motivations of a true introvert are rooted in fear. That sounds more like social anxiety than true introversion. The former get be conquered. The latter not so much. (If it is really something that needs to be conquered.)
I have never been afraid of people. I have no shell to come out of. But I am still an introvert. And I still refuse to genuflect to the world of extroversion simply because it's “their world”. In fact, I don't give up the world that easily to them. It is that ease of capitulating to one specific idea of networking, ambition, and success that allows extroverts to continue assuming that there is something wrong with introverts which has to be “fixed”.(The whole shell thing…)
I loath extroverted networking events and practices. They make my stomach turn. But I refuse to rip myself to pieces over it, just so I can rebuild myself in their image. I'd rather be true to my introverted self. That road may require some extra work, as their are in fact fewer road maps to lay out the way nice and neatly for introverts.
But the path has been cut, and continues to be cut to make way for success while still hating business card exchanges, speed dating, and elevator pitches. (All three things I despise and avoid due to my introverted nature.) We introverts ARE different, but it's high time somebody stand up and say,
“This is our world too, and while we don't insist you follow us, we are not going to be intimidated into coming our of our non-existent shell, and crowded out of the market by people who love to just talk and talk and talk and talk. We have a place and a contribution, and we intend to make it while being just fine with what we are.”
That is what I and many introverts are doing in the internet age. And I would say if we truly lacked “a pair”, we wouldn't be blazing such a path.
Haha, great post Jake. I am such an introvert at heart. In class, I would rarely speak. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote here Jake. We are alike! Cool stuff. Also, part of of the reason I began interviewing people for my blog was to get over this fear of speaking with people I didn't know well. The first five or so, I was nervous to talk to other people. But as I kept doing it, it felt more comfortable, and now I feel a lot more relaxed talking to other people over the internet. I think it's just a process that we have to learn. Good job here!
I applaud you for trying to tackle this one, Jake, but I don't think it's that cut-and-dried.
I'm more of an extrovert, and yet, I don't much like traditional networking events. I know some people have great success with them, and I can make it work in certain situations (for example, I schmoozed with the best of them during special events when I worked for nonprofits). But I mostly avoid those situations in favor of one-on-one meetings because I prefer the depth of conversation that I can get from that type of networking.
I do also take exception to your comment about introverts not “hav[ing] the necessary skills to work [their] way up the ladder.”
I did not in any way mean that introverts do not have the necessary skills to work their way up the ladder. The point was that some introverts get wrapped up in this idea of what an introvert is and some may say, “Well, I'm an introvert. I can't do that.” This post was not really a reflection of all introverts — just those who beat themselves up and are their own worst enemies.
By describing so much of yourself and your feelings, you've shown that this post was not directed at you. You seek to take a different path, and that's great. But some introverts want to network yet feel that they *can't* network effectively, and that's just not true. If they get out there and try, they can do it.
Some people get too caught up in titles and think “If I'm this, I can't be that”.
Balance is always key.
You help to make the point, we can all open up. It just takes more effort for some of us.
Thanks for clarifying that, Jake! Certainly, you do have a point that a person doesn't have to “be” a certain way just because they think their personality type dictates it. The same holds true for those of us who are extroverts — I'm sure I am not the only one who has to put forth more of an effort at networking because it doesn't always “come naturally” for me
Jake, this is so very true. I am an extrovert according to the way most people view me. But, deep inside, I am still an introvert. I worked very hard to be more of a people person. It has paid dividends and I am glad that I took the time to really reflect on who I wanted to be in this life and it has led me to the person I am today. I am more confident and mingle much more easily with people. I even lead groups and give workshops with ease. While it takes work, it is well worth it!
So true–and I’m the most introverted introvert I know. As a consultant, I just ignore it and do what I need to do. Most people assume I’m a bubbly extrovert. But over the years, I’ve heard people use the introversion to excuse their joblessness, inability to network, lack of promotions, etc.. We can all “act as if” with sufficient motivation.