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How can I create something that critics will criticize?

That might sound like a strange question to ask yourself, but take a second to truly think about it. In his book Tribes, Seth Godin says this is a question you must ask yourself if you are ever going to lead a tribe of any kind. He echoes this point again in Linchpin when he argues that people are scared to stand out and become indispensable because attempting to do so attracts criticism. Keeping your head down and following the status quo is safe. No one notices you when you do this. Therefore, no one criticizes you. The concept is pretty simple, right?

I have to admit that I have unintentionally bought into this mentality. I didn’t realize it until Seth Godin made the point so clear to me.

People think it’s fear of failure that keeps them from being brave and breaking norms. But it’s really the criticism that accompanies failure that keeps us from trying something different. (In all fairness, Seth Godin may have made that point also, so credit to him if necessary).

Failure wouldn’t be nearly so bad if people wouldn’t constantly criticize you and remind you of how you went wrong…

Quitting your job and starting your own business didn’t work out so well, did it? Don’t you wish you’d stayed where you were?

That book you spent two years writing didn’t get published. What a waste…

I guess you’re an okay guitarist. I mean, you’re no Jimi Hendrix.

Yeah, criticism like that can hurt. I feel your pain because I’m not nearly as thick-skinned as I wish I were. But even Seth Godin admits that he’s vulnerable to criticism.

When you do something different — when you’re criticized — for some reason, you’re making an impression on someone. You’re standing out in some way. When you fail to push the envelope, you don’t get noticed and you don’t get criticized.

I’ve realized that I need more critics — scratch that, I need more haters — in my life. Rather than doing everything we can to steer clear of the haters, we need to do what we can to get them doing their thing — hatin’. When you do something meaningful, you’re going to have haters. You can count on it. But when you have no haters, no one deterring you from your goal, that’s when you really need to worry. Because that means there’s no chance of failing. And that means there’s no chance of achieving anything worth talking about. No one sees you as a threat, no one is bothered, no one is paying attention.

Again, I want you to take a little time and think about a question: Do you have enough haters in your life?

I’ve realized something about my blogging. On both my personal blog and BrightFuse, I tend to ask a lot of questions. Questions that I don’t have the answers to. And it’s not necessarily that I expect you to have the answers (I do not mean that to discourage you from commenting and trying to give answers; in fact, quite opposite!) They’re just questions that surface in my mind and questions that I feel need to be asked. They’re questions that might change the way people think about certain issues.

When this realization hit me, I thought of this quote that has found its way to me on multiple occasions:

“Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” — Tony Robbins

I am in no way endorsing Tony Robbins; frankly, I have no idea who he is. But that doesn’t make that quote any less true.

Questions need to be asked, even if they’re completely rhetorical and theoretical and can never have one true answer.

How can we provide solutions if we’re never aware of the problems?

It seems that, at some point, many of us stop asking questions. Is it because when we ask too many questions as kids, our parents say “Because I said so”? Is it because when we question the fairness of a situation or judgment, people tell us not to worry about it and that it is what it is?

This is another question that I don’t have the answer for.

But that won’t stop me from asking. And I hope it won’t stop you either.

I was at Starbucks when two parents started talking about their children and technology. I’m sure you’ve heard similar conversations. They go something like this: “These kids today are so smart with technology. My 5-year-old daughter taught me how to use my iPhone! I guess it’s because these kids grow up with technology.”

Is that really why kids are so good with technology? They grew up with it? I think adults underestimate how knowledgeable they are about technology. They’ve grown up with it, just in different ways. They grew up with TV and VCR, is DVD really so different?

No, the reason that kids are so “smart” with technology is that they’re curious. And also, they’re not afraid.

I remember when my mom bought our first computer. I was 13, and dial-up was where it was at! I didn’t know anything about computers; I’d seldom had an opportunity to use one. But it didn’t take me long to figure out what I was doing because I jumped in and learned. Users manual? I don’t need no stinkin’ users manual!

My mom, on the other hand, waited for me to figure things out and explain them to her. She had a hesitation, she was afraid. I remember one time, my mom asked me how to do something on the computer. I cannot remember the exact task, but she had asked me how to do it a million times. I asked her how she thought she should execute the task. And she told me exactly how to do it. See, she knew what to do but lacked the confidence to rely on herself. She was afraid to try anything, for fear that she might cause the computer to lock down or blow up.

To use the excuse that I was “born surrounded with technology” is absurd. My mom was always a laggard. That’s not an insult, it’s just the truth. We didn’t get new, trendy gadgets while they were still hot and fresh. While you can say that I grew up with TV and VCR, I’d argue that my mom actually had more years and experience with the same technology!

So, it’s not a lack of familiarity that holds us behind when it comes to throwing out the old and welcoming the new. It’s fear, and a lack of curiosity. We get set in our ways and stop to wonder what the world could be like if it were different. We merely accept things as they are and we stop dreaming.

Now, I want to ask you a question that is completely rhetorical — How do we maintain a childlike curiosity? How do we remind ourselves that while most changes may bring about a different world, they will not bring about the end of the world?

Having read and enjoyed Trust Agents: Using the Web to Build Influence, Improve Reputation, and Earn Trust by Chris Brogan and Julien Smith, I decided to try to find some videos of the authors talking more about their philosophies on social media. During the Q&A section of this (50-minute) video, an audience member made a great point. To paraphrase, the audience member made the point that when the Internet was first catching on, the great thing about it was that it was private. People could browse and engage via the Internet while maintaining a level of anonymity. Now, the Internet is becoming more and more transparent. Many of our activities on the Internet are forever — it’s there for all to see, thanks to our friend Google. And it’s no secret that Facebook is doing all that it can to become more open every single day. Think of your interactions on the Web as your “permanent record” now.

After the audience member made up great point, he followed with this question: How do you make people move from that privacy-mindset about the Internet to the open mindset that we’re now moving toward?

Brogan eventually concluded that that’s a tough issue and was unable to give a straight-forward answer to the issue. That’s because you can’t make someone accept it. People don’t like change; some are always going to cling to the way things were.

But they need to accept it. Because the Internet’s opening up, whether we like it or not. There’s no use in talking about whether it’s fair or unfair. This is one of those cases where you’re better off forgetting about “fair” and worrying about what is and what is not.

It is what it is.

I understand the concerns with the open Web. It’s not just about security and identity issues. It’s also about having the freedom to express ourselves without consequences. If someone wants to learn about you, chances are that he’s going to research you through Google, Facebook, or Twitter first. The problem with this transparency is that you never know what will turn someone off. How personal should you be? If someone gets a chance to discover your religious or political views before getting a chance to know you, will he even give you a chance? What if you’re profane or vulgar in an intimate setting but know how to flip the switch over when in a corporate setting? Will someone get the wrong impression about you? By the way, if you think having different personas in these scenarios is simply being two-faced, I’d argue that all of us act differently in different settings with different people. You likely do the same thing; perhaps you’re not aware of it.

As I said, I understand these concerns because they’re some of the same concerns that I have. However, I feel that these fears cause us to be less human. Some of us may tend to hide certain parts of ourselves that we may not hide so much in offline interactions. If I unintentionally say something insensitive or politically incorrect among my friends in an offline setting, word of my slip-up might stop at that group of friends. Or maybe we’ll tell our significant others or some friends outside of the group, but chances are that the whole world won’t be notified. But if I make the same mistake on Facebook or Twitter or somewhere else online, it’s chronicled for all to see, and concrete proof of my slip-up is readily available for distribution.

So we hold back. We reserve. We make sure to conduct ourselves in a corporate-friendly manner, and as a result, we dehumanize ourselves and our networks.

But when the Web opens all of us up to everyone, can that humanity be restored? When everyone is under the same microscope and living under the same fear, can a simple slip-up or differences of philosophy be forgiven and forgotten? Could it teach us to be more tolerant? Or will the open Web only feed our ignorance and prejudices?

This is all just thought with no definite answer. Obviously, I hope that the open Web can add a degree of humanity to our online interactions. But I can’t predict one way or the other.

If there were only one thing that I took away from reading Trust Agents, it would be this: the fundamentals of communication and building trust have not changed. The world of TV, newspaper, and radio advertising that we grew up with were actually quite brief when you look at the history of business and mankind. The best way to build trust now is to get back to basics, to treat people like people and remember that they are people. (Remember, they are not perfect; neither are you).

I’ve accepted that my friends are not perfect offline. Why should I expect them to be perfect online? Why should we expect anyone to be such?

What are your thoughts on this? Could the open Web bring a fundamental shift, or am I just daydreaming?

These days, you really have to watch what you say. Online and offline. Let your guard down for a few seconds. Let your tongue slip. Say one little thing that rubs someone just the wrong way.

And you’ll have hell to pay.

With all of this scrutiny — with every single word thoroughly examined for any hint of offense — is it any wonder that speeches and responses to questions all start to sound the same?

Not really sure what I’m talking about? Okay, let’s look at sports. (Again? I know, I can’t help it lately.)

Think about the Heisman trophy winners. The Heisman trophy is awarded every year to college football’s best player. Of course, when a player wins the Heisman, he usually says something along the lines of: “This award isn’t just about me. It’s been a team effort, and I could never have done it without these guys.”

And the sports commentators act surprised. They say: “Wow, look at the maturity of this kid. He’s so young yet he’s so humble.”

Come on, is he really? He used a typical textbook answer! Maybe that is how he truly feels, but I’ll never know because many before him uttered the same line.

What about when Matthew Stafford was taken #1 overall in the NFL draft and found out that he would have to start his NFL career with the Detroit Lions, a team that had a record of 0-16 the year before. The Lions were winless. So, what does Stafford say? He says that he’s happy and excited to be a Detroit Lion. Man, I wonder if that was a hard line to spew.

One day a couple of years ago, I was listening to ESPN Radio and an NFL Hall of Fame quarterback was being interviewed. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the quarterback’s name, but the point that he never won a Super Bowl came up. When asked if he would trade his Hall of Fame honor for a Super Bowl, the quarterback said no. He felt that the Hall of Fame was a more prestigious honor and he was happy with his induction.

That comment caught me off-guard. Nobody says that.

No, that’s not right. He’s supposed to say: “Although I feel that the Hall of Fame is a tremendous honor, nothing would have honored me more than leading my team to a championship and sharing that Lombardi trophy with my coaches and teammates.”

But he spoke the truth, not what he was expect to say. And so the question: Why do we give people so much credit for saying what’s expected?

Why do we give the Heisman trophy winner credit for including his teammates? Why would we be upset if he stood up, pounded himself on the chest, and said: “All my hard work finally paid off. Y’all better recognize!”

Why do we say that Matthew Stafford is humble and is a team player when he says he’s excited to be a Detroit Lion and he’s ready to contribute right now? What if he sighed heavily and said: “I’m glad they’re paying me as much as they are, because I ain’t gonna be having no fun in Detroit this year.”

Why do we give Terrell Owens so much hell for saying “I love me some me”? Is he egotistical? Yes. Is he troubled? Possibly. Is he insane? I wouldn’t go that far, but I get what you’re thinking. But as far as I’m concerned, at least I know he is being honest. His comment is totally unscripted and original. It’s straight from the heart. You might say that Owens’s heart is tainted, but at least he’s not covering up his true feelings.

In some ways, this post is hypocritical of me since I wrote a post about what Dan Gilbert’s letter about LeBron James’s departure should have said. Maybe Gilbert shouldn’t have gotten so much flak. Maybe he should be allowed to say what he truly feels, to have a human response.

Speaking of the LeBron madness, my wife said she’d heard somewhere that Cavs fans felt betrayed because in the past LeBron had said he wasn’t going to chase a championship, he was going to bring a championship to Cleveland. And then he leaves for Miami with the intention of chasing a championship. Well, when he was in Cleveland, he said what he was supposed to say. What he was expected to say. What if he had said: “Well, I’m going to give this a chance, but if it hasn’t worked in a few years, I’m going to bail ship”? And also, maybe it wasn’t his intention to leave at the time he said that. You and I will never know, unless you’re LeBron, in which case I’d like to thank you for stopping by, LeBron.

It’s just like when that certain little girl or guy you’ve just started getting serious with looks you in the eye and says: “Wow, you’re so awesome. I’ve never felt this way.” That is such a cliche phrase, but I bet you that most of us have fallen for it!

Why do we take safe and textbook comments and think that they’re special because they apply to our immediate situations? And by putting so much value in scripted and prepared statements, are we turning others and ourselves into robots? While we’d all like to think that we have the freedom to express ourselves, are we as a whole making it difficult for individuals to do so?

Wanna know what happens when you take it to the extreme and say what is truly on your mind regardless of people’s feeling and expectations? Just ask Mel Gibson.

Recently I took a look back at some of my old blog posts. I started with the very early posts and worked my way forward. The experience was both amusing and enlightening. It was amusing because no matter how you feel about my current work, those early posts were very unpolished. As I reread the posts, I found it incredibly obvious that I was trying to find my voice.

The funny thing is that I don’t remember writing some of the posts. That might be a bit frightening because the oldest of the posts is about a year old, and since I am only 25 years old, I should not be so forgetful. For me, this brief exercise in reflection was evidence of my growth and development. It was fun to see some of the things I wrote about back then.

I hate to call myself a “writer” because that implies that I’m established at the craft, but I’ve always been a person who writes. Even in my elementary days, I was writing short stories like crazy. In middle school and high school, I wrote horrible depressing poems and a few short stories. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started novels in my life. Obviously, they never materialized. Just as I made the shift from fiction to non-fiction in my reading, so have I in my writing.

I still have some of those old poems and short stories. From time to time, I go back and read them, just as I did with my blog posts. And the feelings the act invokes are very similar to how it felt to look back at the early works on my blog. By looking back, I get a snapshot of who I was and what mattered to me at the time. And in some ways, it makes me appreciate who I am now so much more.

So many times I catch myself saying What the hell was I talking about? What the hell was I thinking? Again, it’s refreshing to look back at how I once wrote and see evidence of my progress. However, I do sometimes look back at writings that I once thought were horrible and change my opinion. The delivery might not have been the best, but the idea and effort were there. And maybe the same can happen to you with your blog posts, or with other ideas that you have floating around. Maybe the idea you had and threw away wasn’t bad; maybe it just didn’t pop up at the right time. There are some posts that I wish I could go back and rewrite, but it would be pointless. We all develop, we all grow; one day I’ll look back at my current works and feel differently than I do right now.

Normally, I would say that you shouldn’t look back and that you should always be looking forward. Of course, it can be okay to break your own rules as long as the results are positive. So, I encourage you to take a look into the past. If you’re a writer, look back at some of your early writings. If you’re a salesman, compare your old sales numbers to your current numbers. If you feel that your current work is better than your old work, good — that’s what you want. If you look back and feel that your old work was better — that you’ve lost that fire that you once had — ask yourself what you can do to get it back. Hopefully, when you take the time to reflect, you will walk away more aware of yourself than you were before.

I know, I know — you’re sick of hearing about the LeBron James drama. And you’ve come to my blog, thinking it’s safe because I rarely talk about sports on here and I’m not truly an NBA fan anyway. Well, I’m going to take this opportunity to apologize in advance.

As you likely know, LeBron James is leaving the comfort of Ohio for the glitz and glamour of South Beach. Oh yeah, and don’t forget that he’s teaming up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. A lot of people are giving LeBron hell for his decision. If you don’t agree with how he handled it, that’s one thing. But the decision itself — the decision to leave — I don’t see how anyone can fault LeBron.

True, the Cleveland Cavaliers organization invested a lot in LeBron. They had high hopes for the future. But after 7 years, it hadn’t worked. And at what point do you say, Enough. I have to move on.

Anyone who watches NBA basketball knows that LeBron has a lot of pressure on him. He was expected to be the second coming of Michael Jordan, and so far he hasn’t lived up to those expectations. At this point in his career, Jordan had won a championship. LeBron has made it to the Finals once, but has ultimately fallen short.

I understand that LeBron is a professional athlete and that he’s making millions of dollars every year. However, I highly doubt that either scenario — staying in Cleveland or going to Miami — would have left him hurting for cash. We forget that at the end of the day, these guys are still playing a game. And as any competitor knows, the game is much more fun when you’re winning. That’s true in little league, and it’s true in the pros.

I expected LeBron to stay in Cleveland. Or maybe I wanted him to stay. It would have been a great story with LeBron painted as the valiant knight who’s going to make things right in Cleveland and bring the team that elusive championship. Instead, the savior jumped ship. And now it appears the ship is sinking.

Especially after Dan Gilbert’s written response to LeBron’s departure. When I first heard about this letter, I brushed it off; it had to be a joke. But, it appears to be legit. Gilbert uses some strong language. He calls LeBron “narcissistic”, “cowardly”, and “selfish”.

I understand that Gilbert’s upset, but wow. That’s all I can say. Wow.

Do I blame him for feeling this way? No. But I do feel that after writing this letter, he should have hidden it in his sock drawer — or better yet, he should have burned it. He should have gone outside, screamed a random combination of profanities, kicked a trash can, and gone back inside to write a better letter. The letter that was published feels so bitter and desperate. And he shouldn’t have attacked LeBron in such a manner.

In my opinion, the letter should have gone something like this:

To the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers:

As you have already heard, LeBron James has decided to leave the Cavaliers organization and has found a new home in the Miami Heat. Naturally, we are disappointed to hear of his decision to depart. Regardless, we thank LeBron for his time with our organization and wish him the best with his new team.

I personally assure you that we did all that we could to retain LeBron. Unfortunately, our efforts were not enough. As devastating of a loss as this may be for organization, we are now focused on putting it behind us and moving forward with our operations. We are more dedicated than ever before to bringing you, our loyal and dedicated fans, the championship that you want and, more importantly, deserve.

In the end, this is a business decision for LeBron. Some people have said that a player should be loyal to the team that drafts him. I wholeheartedly disagree. What happens when, near the end of LeBron’s career, he’s no longer the player he once was and he’s holding on for his NBA life? The team will eventually make the decision to move forward and will cut him. Some people want to argue that players and employees are no longer loyal to their teams and employers. But teams and employers lack the same dedication to their players and employees. It would be great if LeBron stayed at home for his whole career. But if I were LeBron, I’d hate to retire and hear people say Man, LeBron played some great basketball in Cleveland, but he never could win that championship.

Puff Daddy said “It’s all about the Benjamins, baby”. But when you’re LeBron, you’ve already got the Benjamins. It’s all about the rings, baby. Dan Gilbert knows that. And that’s why he’s so bitter. He knows that his chance for a ring might have passed through his fingertips. His trophy hopes left with his trophy player.

But still, couldn’t he have handled the situation better? What do you think?

There’s a video on YouTube that I’ve watched again and again over the years. The video is a collection of images shot at Elliott Smith’s memorial wall in Los Angeles. Just for the sake of a little background, on October 21, 2003, Elliott Smith took his own life by stabbing himself in the heart. As tragic as that is, this post is not about his death as much as it’s about people’s reaction to it. On Smith’s memorial wall, numerous people left pictures and notes in an attempt to let people know how much Smith meant to them. My favorite line comes at the end: “Your music got me through my own personal hell.”

Anyone who’s ever listened to Elliott Smith’s music knows that it’s very personal and intimate. And those who listen to Smith are truly touched by his art. It’s no wonder that he would be so dearly missed. He did something special and touched people in a way most of us never will.

But what about you and me?

All too often, we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We go through the motions of our lives, convinced that we can’t make a difference anywhere. We have no influence. We have no affect on anyone, right? Wrong.

I want you to take a little time and truly consider what I am about to ask you. On an average day (let’s make that an average workday), how many people do you interact with? If you’re married, you probably interact with your significant other before and after work. Do you stop at that gas station or donut shop near your job just before starting your day’s work? Then, there are your bosses, co-workers, and clients. Do you have children? Do you call friends and family on a regular basis? What about your neighbors?

Oh my god, the list can go on and on!

Think about this: Every time you interact with one of these people, you’re giving yourself an opportunity to be remembered. To be remembered and loved or to be remembered and despised. Of course, you can be forgotten as well. There’s no guarantee that you’ll stand out in any way.

Sure, after you’re gone, you may not be remembered by your friends, family, and acquaitances in the same way that these people remembered Elliott Smith. But people may smile when they say your name. And speak well of you.

The truth is that you affect people’s moods and days and lives more than you realize. Sometimes, something so simple as getting service with a smile brightens the rest of my day. Does that sound silly? Maybe it is. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, whether others realize it or not.

You don’t have to be a musician to leave behind a positive legacy and to better people’s lives. Just be kind.

As I’ve told you numerous times on this blog, I’m an introvert at heart. I’d say that up until a couple of years ago, I was an extreme introvert. I never felt comfortable anywhere I went and interactions were awkward. (Now, I’d just say that I am awkward, but my interactions, not necessarily.)

Over time, I’ve gotten more social. I’ve learned to effectively communicate and open up and express myself. I’ve made so much progress, I’m now an open person, right?

Not if you ask my wife.

While we were having one of those little quarrels that lovers sometimes have, she made the point that I can be hard to read when I’m angry. I shut down and don’t let anyone in. And no one knows what’s going through my head.

When I took a bit of time to think about what she had said, I realized that she was right. And then I realized that although I believe I’ve made much progress on opening up and not being so much of an introvert, I still have much more progress left to be made.

Which brings me to be my point…

“Better” does not mean “Good”. Or “Good enough”.

Am I better communicator than I was a few years ago? Yes. Am I a good communicator? I guess that depends on whom you ask or the situation.

I know that this is a very personal example that I’m giving, but this rule applies to areas other than relationships and lover’s quarrels. It applies to you as a professional, your company or business, you as an athlete, you as a writer, a blogger, whatever the hell it is that you dedicate your time to.

Just because you’re better at something does not mean that you are good at it. It just means that you’re better at it than you once were.

We spend so much of our time trying to eliminate mistakes. And with good reason — mistakes aren’t usually pleasant. Sometimes it’s just the fact that you messed up that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Or the criticism that accompanies failure. Or it could be the fact taht you let someone down or angered others.

If you’re looking for a surefire way to eliminate mistakes, you’re going to be disappointed to discovers that it’s impossible to do so. You can minimize the chance of mistakes, but if you’re going to accomplish something worth talking about, eliminating mistakes is impossible.

So, the question is not whether you’ll screw up. The question is, How will you respond?

There’s a certain restaurant nearby — Joe’s Pizza Pasta — that my wife and I love. Perhaps you’ve heard me talk about it before. We usually go on Wednesday nights — Pay What It’s Worth Night. On these nights, the menu has no pricces. You get what you want and pay and tip what you think it’s worth. It’s fun and something worth talking about (obviously, because I’m talking about it right now!)

On one particular night, my wife and I had what could have been a negative experience. But it ended up being very positive. Our waitress had brought our drinks and taken our orders, so we were sitting around and talking while we waited for our food.

After a while, my wife commented that we had been waiting for an unusually long time. You know how it is when you’ve been waiting; you start noticing that the patrons who’ve come in after you are getting their food before you. Soon, I was on board with my wife, we had been waiting a while. Just when we were getting ready to say something, our waitress approached.

She started with an apology. Uh oh. Somehow, our order had gotten lost. The cooks hadn’t even begun cooking our food. She acknowledged that we had waited a while and understood if we wanted to leave. But she gave us another option: we could wait and get our meal for free. Since it was Pay What It’s Worth Night, they couldn’t really give us much of a discount. (What were they going to say — pay half of what you think it’s worth? Or, we’ll give you a free dessert that you technically didn’t have to pay for anyway, given the nature of the night’s special).

So we stayed and enjoyed our free meal. We still tipped our waitress. After all, these things happen. But she and Joe’s Pizza Pasta did the right thing and we left in a good mood.

Rather than leave angry, we were fully and happy. And we’ve been back since then. Sometimes your mistakes are not just screw-ups. They’re opportunities for you to correct something and make yourself a hero. Okay, maybe that’s a bit melodramatic, but I hope you get the point.

As I said, mistakes are inevitable. But now I know that if I go to Joe’s Pizza Pasta and they make a mistake again, they will do the right thing and correct the wrong. Because fo that, they will continue to get my business.

In some ways, because of how they correct it, that mistake may be more valuable than all the orders they ever got right.